hating your exes is straight culture

This past weekend, I made what I thought was a silly little reel on Instagram where I said: “hating your exes is actually straight culture, and no, I will not be elaborating on that.” It’s a thought that has vexed me and also made me laugh many times in the past. It was meant mostly as a joke. I posted it after making breakfast plans for the next day with an ex/really close friend. I was expecting a couple of likes and comments from my usual suspects.

At first, the comments were supportive. They were mostly from whom I would have expected. Friends, queer people, and neurodivergent people in my periphery who joke about social expectations that no one can ever seem to fit into. We were all having a little laugh.

Me (right) and an ex/close friend, going to the nude beach a few days after the video.

Then the first “lemme go apologize to my abusive ex for hating her cus it’s apparently straight of me to do.” Similar comments started to rise, mostly from much younger queer people than me. Then came comments making fun of my looks, queerness, polyamory, or whatever else that had nothing to do with my joke, just hating me and my personal brand of humor for existing. The comments or story posts that really bothered me were the ones saying something along the lines of, “This is why straight people hate us.” I tried to engage a little bit in good faith, but I also have to understand when people aren’t really interested, they’re just hurt, bean-souping, strawman arguing, or trolling.

A few commenters understood the real message. Hating all of your exes as the default after a breakup is very heteronormative. It’s a deeply ingrained belief with most straight people that you cannot be friends with your exes. Even if the relationship ended on good terms, like wanting different things or just realizing you’re not right for each other, a lot of straight people will think being friends with your ex is disrespectful to your new relationship. Oftentimes in bonding with a new partner, a person is socially encouraged to speak disparagingly of their exes so as to make someone confident that this new relationship is so different from all the rest before.

Mind you, there are many different ways to exist between hate and being friends. You don’t have to be friends with your exes or anyone else. You also don’t have to hate them. You can be indifferent toward them. You can be fond of them, but choose not to engage. You can avoid them, but have no ill will. You can be cordial when you bump into each other, with or without having a conversation. You can have a relationship with an ex that is still kind, wishing the best for them. You can also hate them. You can feel however you want.

To me, personally, a large part of being queer is challenging cultural gender norms. I question many heteronormative relationship structures and romantic hierarchy. I find there to be a lot of joy and humor in confronting, subverting, and poking fun at all of our societal structures. So many of our social norms in the West are shaped by capitalism, racism, ableism, patriarchy, religion, and white supremacist culture. My queerness has room for differences of opinion. It is non-carceral and leaves room for nuance. Maybe it’s my queerness. Maybe it’s my autism. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

My longterm ex-partner taking me out to dinner for my late mom’s birthday. (2025)

I am not an authority figure. I am not the queer police. Someone having an opinion you don’t agree with is not policing. You literally do not have to care about my opinion at all. I’m a writer and an artist. Listen to me or don’t. My work is supposed to be mildly amusing and thought-provoking. If I don’t make stuff that you like, you don’t have to engage with it. That’s all. I’m not telling you how you have to live your life. I’m only expressing how I live mine. You should and can express yours. Journal. Do videos. Make a zine. Create something with your feelings besides a grumpy comment on someone else’s content that will probably get deleted.

I try not to hate most of my exes. I also have been abused, assaulted, and harassed by a number of people, some of whom I had romantic partnerships with and some of whom I did not. I still try not to hate any of those people. Some days, I still do. However, I try not to because my hatred is not really something that they will ever feel. When I hate someone, I am the one who feels it. I am the one who feels angry and frustrated. I am the one who carries the burden and the grief and the shame. That person will almost never feel any of my rage. And while I am entitled to it, it is not always a burden that I want or have to carry. You don’t have to, either. But you certainly can if you want to.

Feel however you want about your exes. I do still deeply believe that hating your exes by default is straight culture. That does not mean it is exclusive to straight people. Just because it is a norm does not mean every straight person hates every one of their exes. It does not mean that if you hate any of your exes, you are not queer. Whether you like my opinions or not, you have to stop blaming other queer people for your oppression. Vocal queers and non-binary people are not the reasons straight people have harmed you. Stop blaming straight violence on queer resistance.