gatekeeping in non-monogamy
Lately, I feel like I’ve seen a lot of content on social media (particularly from white people) accusing polyamorous and queer people of gatekeeping our communities. The Cambridge Dictionary defines gatekeeping as “the activity of trying to control who gets particular resources, power, or opportunities, and who does not.”
Is it possible for marginalized people to gatekeep? Is it possible to be “racist” against white people? Or does the institutionalized nature of these systems disrupt that? This is a semantic argument. It’s possible to be biased or prejudiced against people in positions of power, sure. Is it gatekeeping? I don’t think so.
Many people in non-monogamy or polyamory are queer. Our hesitance to accept “newbies” is one of survival and protection, especially if someone has multiple marginalized identities (i.e., race, gender, sexuality, disability, poverty, housing insecurity). We’re an incredibly vulnerable population.
When you’ve spent decades with your safety and identity up for political debate, it makes sense to be hesitant to welcome people who haven’t experienced that. Especially when some of them have not only benefited from it, but helped to perpetuate it.
White people new to non-monogamy and polyamory often want to do so in secret to protect themselves, furthering the stigma against queer people and untraditional relationships. They want to dabble in our “lifestyle” with freedom from accountability. They want hierarchy and veto power. They want all of the sexual fun without any of the emotional or social risks that many of us do not get to change our minds and opt out of.
A great example of where I think this friction is felt is in reading (not books, but the queer definition). I think newbies in polyamory and queerness get read for filth and mistake it for bullying, like they are not welcome. Really, they are feeling accountability and their privilege being challenged. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s also a learning opportunity.
A definition from Dictionary.com: Reading, which originated in Black and Latine LGBTQ+ communities, means “sharply pointing out someone’s flaws, inconsistencies, or behavior” — often in a witty or incisive way. Think of it as similar to the practice of roasting someone.
Reading is a very normal and even expected communication style in many queer and Black spaces. I think when white people get read for their mistakes in polyamory, instead of taking it on the chin and learning, they feel ashamed and defensive.
As people with lived experience in queer and polyamorous communities, we are expected to offer endless grace and patience to newcomers. They demand our labor without offering safety. We are supposed to give advice, educate, perform perfectly, and be ever accepting of more privileged people when they take advantage of us, dismiss us, and harm us in the name of their learning. When the individualism of “I don’t owe anybody anything” meets a marginalized community, it can only do so extractively.
From what I’ve seen, cishet white men are only interested in non-monogamy as a means to have sexual access free of responsibility. Cishet white women claim to be open to non-monogamy as long as they get to be the most important, most special, part of the polycule: the top of the food chain. If their male partner establishes any feelings outside of their relationship, it’s the end of the line. They break up, or they become monogamous. If she owns property, it’s more likely to be the latter.
While I believe that language evolves and the meaning of words change over time, particularly in different contexts and connotations, ultimately, I think in an effort to sound evolved and educated, straight people have begun adopting queer terminology, particularly around non-monogamy for their “casual” dating. Dating to find your long-term monogamous partner is not non-monogamy. If you have the end goal of settling down to a regular, safe, socially acceptable, monogamous relationship, please leave polyamorous people alone.
I love the work of @annie_undone, who inspired this piece. Also, please follow and learn from Black non-monogamy creators like @realpolylife, @marjanilane, @iamjavivason, @lavitaloca34, @chaneespeaks, and @softqueerwealth. (None of these creators have endorsed me and I don’t want to claim they would agree with this take. I just want to make sure you’re not only learning about polyamory from white people.)
